"Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund."

"Religion is a man using a divining rod. Philosophy is a man using a pick and shovel."

"Hit the ball over the fence and you can take your time going around the bases."

"There are times of pure joy when you wish all human life well."

"It may stink like me, but that's what makes it so collectible!"

"Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses."

"Give me liberty, or give me death."

"I'm terribly sorry, but nature is not always family friendly."

"Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason."

"'Think as I think' said the man, 'or you are abominable. You are a toad.' And after I had thought on it, I said 'I will then, be a toad.'"

"Tradition is laziness."

"I believe in an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out."