"What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?"

"If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV."

"I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn."

"You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done."

"Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa."

"I'm a level 5 vegan, I don't eat anything that casts a shadow."

"Reason and free inquiry are the only effectual agents against error."

"Lawyer, n. One skilled in the circumvention of the law."

"Fear secretes acids; but love and trust are sweet juices."

"We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong."

"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all comprehensible."

"If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice."